I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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