I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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