NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
