So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
