im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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