shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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