I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
