if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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