I'm so fucking centered right now
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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