the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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