party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I smell stomach acid.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
