she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize