loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
