Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
