FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
