I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
farters have to be the big spoon...
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
