If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
