I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize