I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Who died my cat blue again?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize