so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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