I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
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