Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
