did you get engaged???
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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