Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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