that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
