dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
