Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
