I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
