I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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