My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just want nice things and good sex
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
