omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
