Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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