shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
