Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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