mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
