I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
