i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
