just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
