so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My breasts were aching with rage.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
