I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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