YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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