my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
