Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
