Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
