It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
