I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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