and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize