I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
