i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
