ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
