after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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