fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
