My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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