u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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