i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
