If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
