Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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