I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
