I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
