Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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