He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
