My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize