Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
